A Heavy Heart

Its late and I am restless. The only outlet I know of at this time is here. I was hurt today. I was hurt today more so than I can recall in memory. I am in MI attending the death of my wife's father. A great man.  My wife is hurting and I am supposed to be here strong and steady, listening and caring, composed and collected. Not so much. I wanted to do this together. Hand in hand, side by side. But  she had other plans. I was set in the corner. I was place on the sidelines I was given the role of water boy when I wanted to be a starter. I didnt want to be in charge or have a voice I just wanted to be there. She didnt want me. She didnt want me with her. I felt all but invisible as I was introduced as Jill's husband, not by my wife but by her sister. I cant describe how much that has shaken me. I caught a glimpse of something that put me in a place I have never been. Feeling as though my connections and my family were not even a thought. I had thought out of all the family her and I were the strongest most put together. I watched her sister and her husband walk hand in hand tonight, say their good-byes, move as a team. She didnt even want me there. I was left to mourn the loss of a loved one on my own. Lonliness is terrible thing. For a person who was brought up with the value of family and cherishing the people you were blessed to call as such, being lonley in a room of people just didnt make sence. I know he wasnt my Dad. I know the loss wasnt for MY father but damnit let me in. Let us in. The kids and I are going to have to do this alone and I am so scared. I have been scared for a long time. I am in love with this woman and want to walk down this road of life with no one else but tonight showed me she doesnt feel the same way. Her thoughts are different and I dont know how to cope with that. My heart is heavy tonight and mind will not allow me to rest. I have to get through tomorrow and be the man in the corner again. I dont know where the strength to do that will come from but I will try. I want to hear her say I need you, I need my family, but I dont think that will come. I will try to rest but I believe this attempt to be futile. Until next time, goodnight.